journal . . . . twisted dreams. . . .

the painful memoirs of a <fallen> angel

DISCLAIMER: those of you that know laeya and i and constantly wonder about whether or not we're 'together', understand that the words i write in my journal about us are my own and not hers or even ours. i started this journal for my own benefit, so i wont go mad from keeping all of this inside me. stop being judgemental and thinking any less of me or her for what i say. get a life.

also, i use profanity qute often in this, and i state my own views on things that can be offensive to some people. if you are easily angered by stuff like this, get the fuck out of my journal page, and then you should just leave my fucking page alltogether because my entire existance will piss you off. oh, and don't you DARE think that you know me just because you've read my journal. laeya, §toner-§an, TIM, and dwyn are the only ones that know me, and they'll remain the only peopl that know me.

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date" 5.8.00

ok, here's whazzup in my life for all of you sick twisted wierdos out there that want to peek into my pathetic little life. *rolls his eyes* just kidding, i know that most of the people that read this are genuinely concerned with my welfare and wellbeing. *sigH* it's just a little odd to me, i guess, that people actually read this. i write it for myself mainly, not really for anyone else's benefit. *sigH* i kinda like going back and seeing how horrid my life was, or is now, or whatever. *smiles softly* i guess things are getting better for me, at least in my love life....

so, i so love laeya.... such a sweetie. she gives me such beautiful little kisses, like tiny pieces of heaven all wrapped up in glittering butterfly wings delivered by a beautiful faerie dancing on swirling magiks of starlight and moonbeams. *smiles softly* and i know she loves me too... just something that flares brilliantly inside me whenever she tells me that she loves me, whispers such sweet little words that mean so much to me within my ears. it makes me feel so damn special, better than anything else i've ever done. beats the FUCK outta all the drugs i've ever done. i guess this is how i know that this love is like real love, not some worthless shit like passionfire that blows up and flares brilliantly for a moment then dies away leaving the person dried up and empty. *sigH* so much of that in my life, so many words i've wasted, so many times i've felt my heart break because i didn't watch for myself didn't care about what i was doing. i know now that was wrong, and giving my heart out to just anyone is not on my list. in fact, if laeya decides that our relationship is worth keeping, worth standing up for, then i'm not looking back, looking around, just looking at her, seeing those eyes like glittering emeralds... monogamy for the polygamist? sure thing baby, if it's pure and utter love. i want us to work, last for time, not just some simple little dipshit relationship that lasts for a few weeks or even a few months.

perhaps i just want to get married

ok, here's where i am going deep into my own personal heart, no one has heard the words i am about to write, and i don't know if i'll ever have the courage to speak them aloud.

laeya was telling me on saturday (TIM and i went with her to her lakehouse) about how it's a family tradition to live the first year of marriage at the little house on the lake, how her parents did it and their parents before them. i must admit that i wondered what it would be like to give that much of myself, take the final plunge and tie that knot. i hate saying it because it's been said before to her, and i feel so very like a fucking plagarist, like i'm tresspassing or something, i can't explain the feeling i have inside when i think about it, perhaps it's just me trying to be polite and not tread on ground that has been so hurt before, i don't know...... words i'll never say because i'm to fucking polite sometimes.

i would marry her.

~ jae ~

the <fallen> angel

date: 5.3.00

aeo made a mistake. the story 'canal street' is really– close to the opening proloug in Lost Souls by poppy z brite. i did take my reference from that book, but i was completely unaware that it was so very close. i have been accused of plagarism, and i never thought about that. so, i say so here and now that it is NOT completely my story, that i cannot take full credit for it, and i apologize if i've upset anyone. *sigH* such annoying little things. and no, i never steal poems, they're all my own. if anyone says that i took their idea, then they're wrong and they're lying. if any of my poems are like any else, it's pure coincedence.

now that that's done....

only two more days till she comes home. but that reminds me. this is for all of those that read this and are being concerned over laeya's connections with me. as it stands, we are merely close friends. i admit that i have some close feelings towards her, but that is something we've discussed and put aside. if i am corrupting her in any way, it isn't towards a darker end, but i'd like to believe i am helping her be more artistic and more open about who she is inside. i know many people will jump to all sorts of conclusions, but just stick it in your hat, ok? talk to one of us before you go about spreading rumors and dragging both of our names through the mud. i have heard that a few people that have read my site are raising questions about laeya because of me. i say that laeya is as pure and innocent as she was when we first began to hang out, and her association with me has not caused her to waver in any of her views or standards. in fact, being around her has forced me to raise mine, become a better person inside. i can never really be a true christian because i cannot believe, but that doesn't mean that i am overtly being anti-christ or hating all things christian. no, i merely cannot be one myself, and thus i am no longer calling myself one.

but, laeya is still christian, never once has wavered in that belief, and still strives to teach me the 'error of my ways'. anyone that says otherwise is either ignorant or downright lying. so there.

that being said, i have one final tomarrow, my astronomy final. going to be *really* easy. i've been studying for it (imagine that) and i hope to make an A in the class. yipppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

and on that note, i leave.

~ jae ~

the <fallen> angel

date: 5.2.00

*sigH* only until friday.... i'm in a state of nothingness for my finals, and it's not really a good thing. i try not to let it bother me, but i'm really missing laeya a lot more than i thought i would. i guess it's a good thing, and i'll totally be happy when she comes back, but i really feel like shit. *sigH* avelon tried to cheer me up a little, but it didn't help very much. §toner-§an says i should just get over it, but it's not easy....

anyway, aeo wrote a kool story. i decided to call it canal street. *smiles softly. don't ask me where i've come up with that name, i honestly can't tell you. (well, i could, but that'd be unneeded work on my part. *grin*)

anyway, here it is....

canal street

he walked down the shadowed street, cold river-mist floating in from the east, the air laden with the smell of old whiskey, spent fireworks, and old old cemeteries. he walked with his hands in his pockets, head down, feet shuffling silently along in the dim light cast from the only remaining street lamp a few blocks back. He rolls his eyes as the faint sounds of mardi gras whisper faintly from bourbon street, and he kicks at an old beer can, startling a stray cat who screeches and scuttles off into the darkness.

the vampires would be out now, eternal hunters, enjoying the warm blood of the revelers, getting drunk on the glowgreen chartreuse that runs thick tonight. The man takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky, lit with the burning fires of a million candles and a million lights burning all throughout the city. his dark eyes try to pierce the heavy fog and smoke stirred up by the last few Mardi Gras rockets and bonfires, and he fancies he can see the stars, little pinpricks of clear light glittering in silence above this fetid city.

He looks down, and his eyes fall upon the closed doors of another nondescript bar. The wooden plaque above the dusty stained glass reads "Christian's", but he doesn't care, he just wants a place where he can drown his fears and hate in a bottle of some powerful liqueur. He pushes on the wooden slatted door, opening it slowly on rusted hinges, the slow creak echoing in the still silence of the near-empty bar. The long low bar stands at the back of the bar, and a tall man, immaculate in his long black coat and long dark hair glistening on his broad shoulders. a haze seems to fill the place, smelling of primroses and incense, a few soft notes begin to play from a beat-up old jukebox sitting in the far corner. a tiny fair stands there, her thing frame swathed in spidersilk and fishnets. her thin face shines pale with dark splotches of makeup like bruises underneath her large black eyes.

The tall bartender shifts his attention from the girl to the newcomer, a tiny flicker of protective love shining briefly in his bottomless black eyes. He seems to regard him for a moment, then dismisses him as any kind of threat, passing him off to make a few more swipes with his cloth over the already-clean bartop. The man shrugs and glides effortlessly to the bar and sits atop one of the tall stools, perching like a crow on its hard edge. His eyes scan the racks of old bottles hanging on the wall behind the alabaster visage of the beautiful bartender. The little girl, she can't be much older than 16, moves cautiously up to the bar and climbs onto the barstool next to him and he starts as she whispers 'christian, may i have another screwdriver?' her soft voice breaking the heavy silence of the bar. The tall bartender, Christian, complies, mixing the drink weak and dripping two cherries into it. she fishes them out with her fingers and eats them, sucking them like little candies before slowly beginning to sip at her drink.

The man sighs and orders a bottle of chartreuse and pours it into the empty glass handed to him by Christian. they say that chartreuse glows in the dark, and if you drink enough of it, your eyes will glow green for hours....


good/bad? *shrug* i like it.

~ jae ~

the <fallen> angel

date: 5.1.00

*sigH* laeya left for the beach today, and i miss her loads. she sent me a very nice email, made me feel all warm inside. dear god....i swear she'll be the death of my oh-so-gothic image. *griN* know how much i care? but, i will miss her a lot as she is gone, and i can only wait for her to return. *smile* soon, as in friday.

hey, lookie me. i've been doin better on my journal entries, soon i'll just be able to write little snippits every day instead of the massively long entries i've been putting in lately. but, i think it's a good thing that i'm adding journal entries, makes me feel better about myself when i have my problems written down. allows me to be more introspective and i can learn a little more about the inmost workings of my mind.

nothing really bad with my parents, we're on standby. no fighting at least. *takes a deep breath*

i love §toner-§an... he's such a sweetie. always helping me with things that i cannot do alone. so kind and so very understanding about a lot of things. he's so very hard-headed and emotionless to everyone else, but i can see the real person inside now. *smile* i know you'll read this, brother.... just want to thank you for everything you've done for me over the past few days, helping me get through a lot of the shit i've had to deal with. you're a real friend and i'll never forget it. *huG*

i took a personality test. *smile* INTJ is what i am. imagine that. says i'm a rational mastermind. in the top 1percent of the population of the world. calm, collected, very very very intelligent. *shrug* ok, now aeo's head is gonna get real big, so i'll stop.

and, that's about it. oh yeah, ß-ß, could you put up on my 'aeo is' board 'aeo is silent. misses laeya'? i'd be most appriciative. *smiles nostalgically* (don't worry if you don't understand what my aeo is board is. if you wanna know, just ask me)


~ jae ~

the <fallen> angel

date: 4.30.00

aeo is very happy. jaeson too if you wanna look at it as me being two people trapped inside. i cannot share why i'm happy, but suffice it to say that it has everything to do with my relationship with the beautiful laeya. it's kinda kool, in a way, me being happy and gleeful all of a sudden. kinda takes the *dark* outta my whole 'gothic' attitude. *smiles softly* i told laeya that she was ruining my whole image. she just laughed and i was totally like 'to hell with it'.

she's so beautiful, every time i remember time we spend together, my legs get all tingly like. it's weird.... i can't explain it, nor do i desire to explain it. it's something prettyflightything inside pulling me towards forever.... *smiles softly* it's a good thing me things, it's a something, a beautiful loving tender kiss touching my heart. *grins softly* laeya, you remember..... you make me happy.

for the first time in years, i can say that i'm truly happy. very happy inside like neverbefore happiness, shining deep inside. no, there was another time before i was happy. when i was with twylo that last day we spent together, and then again that night we scared all the little people at that church. that was fun, and i was happy then yes i was, very happi inside like something pretty was flowering inside. but, this happiness is different, i can't explain, don't want to like i said before. i don't know how to say how it's different, it just is, makes me feel complete inside like that part that's forevermissing is full. some people say that each person has a god-shaped hole in their soul. i agree with that, that each person as a desire to know daeity. however, there are two holes in the soul, one for the Divine, and the other for a soulmate....

well, i'm not a high school student anymore. *smiles softly* very weird feeling, but i like it. almost finished with my college classes, i'll graduate with my AA in the fall. scary no? yeah, i've decided that instead of going to fsu or uf or some such, i'll stay at sfcc and get my a.s. in multimedia design tech and such. it'll be good for me i think.

fought with my parents again..... imagine that. it's a race now methinks. race to either i get fed up and leave, or they get pissed enough to throw off their fucked-up conception of themselves and kick me out. i actually want to see that happen rather than me just up and leaving. i dunno, seems more fitting i guess. i'd see her kicking me out and me laughing the whole goddamned time.

we're goin to cornerstone this year, laeya, ßtoner-ßan, dwyn, and avelon. we're all packing up and traveling all the way up to illenois. *smiles softly* that's gonna kick so many levels of ass... pretty fuckin cool i say. can't wait to go, never been always heard that it just roxxx. we'll see right?

oh yeah, tripod suxxx major ass. deleted my 4.20.00 entry (don't know where it went) and my 4.21.00 entry. *sigH* so, i decided to have two pages. the rest of my journal can be found here.... i'm looking to get hosted, we'll see how it goes, right?

so, aeo's gotta go now.


~ jae ~

the <fallen> angel