journal . . . . twisted dreams. . . .
the painful memoirs of a <fallen> angel
DISCLAIMER: i use profanity quite often in this, and i state my own views on things that can be offensive to some people. if you are easily angered by stuff like this, get the fuck out of my journal page, and then you should just leave my fucking page alltogether because my entire existance will piss you off. oh, and don't you DARE think that you know me just because you've read my journal. §an is the only one that knows me, and he'll remain the only person that knows me.
also, i may hate a whole lot, but i believe that violence is the most sure sign of stupidity. i'm against violence with all my heart, and i'd never advocate the use of it to solve anything. all that has come from hurting people is pain. pointless, i think.
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i really don't have much to write about in here... i'm existing in a state where nothing really interesting is happening, nothing that i can enjoy really takes up my attention... it's like there's nothing there.
i saw laeya on tuesday... i don't know what to say... i kept myself busy and made a fool out of myself. i simply couldn't stop. i had wanted to talk to her, but i found that if i stopped for only a moment, all those memories started flooding back. all i wanted to do was take her into my arms... but i showed laeya happiness, and she seemed to like that. she told me last monday that she wanted to see me happy and joyful like i was when we were together. that'll never happen, but at least i can get almost there when i'm being creative... allows an outflow for the pain, and creates a false joy... i'll never let her see how bad this hurt me ever again... she'll only worry, and i don't want that happening... Jadis says that it's retarded that i'd want to see her again, that it is only keeping the wounds fresh and open.
i'm inclined to believe her. but, i can't help myself... she is someone i have to see. i have to get over her, let it slide away... i realized during my psychology class yesterday that i should use meditation to go through and release the parts of myself that are still connected with her, to let it go. i slipped into a semi-trance mode, and i simply remembered, allowing each and every memory i could readily access to flow over me, wrapping myself up in the tremendous pain of that hurt, that lovely and exquisite pain.
i cried, yeah, but it helped a little, because i reached a point where the tears stopped flowing. i felt marginally better, but at least it's better.
i talked with my shrink on tuesday also, and he said that if my depression isn't any better next tuesday that he'll prescribe some medication for me. surprise surprise. aeo's gonna be on chemical happiness. i've fought my fucking depression for most of my life, so why should it take now (of all times) to leave me? *sigH* i deal with it, like i have to deal with everything else that comes my way, inch by inch, letting each little victory spur me on from each massive defeat. at least the defeats only come once in a while, if they came in clusters, i don't know what i'd do...
~ aeo ~
the <fallen> angel
i came to a horrible realization today... aeo has no addiction.
there's always been something, a game, a book series, a drug, my religion, something.... but now, as i sit back and look at it, my addictions are all gone. i stopped mudding and went to UT, and even though it got more difficult to fulfill my addiction, i could still do it. however, i killed that so i could divert all my attention to laeya. *sighs softly* i actually sat here a few moments before i started doing my journal, and i realized there was nothing i wanted to do. i checked my email, i've paused in my roleplay posts, xnetgoth isn't spouting anything i'd like to post to, i don't have anyone to write, there's no one in GC and i don't have any real desire to redo my website...
yeah, i've got a plan in mind if there is enough people that want it up, but as is, there is none out there that want this badly enough.... i've had three people email me. three. i've got a counter saying that over 800 people have been to my site, and i can swear to you that at least 600 of them aren't me or §an or laeya or dwyn....
i talked with laeya today on the phone.... sucked so horribly..... i wanted her to tell me that she'd reconsidered, that she'd decided that our relationship was worth holding on to. of course that desire was completely irrational and unfounded, but i cannot deny that i wanted it so badly... it was a hard choice, i've said it before, to chose between begging her not to leave me alone again, and giving in to my love's begging plea to let her do what she feels is best. i would be so deliriously happy if she called me and told me that she loved me more than anything else, and she'd be mine forever.
but i know that will never happen, and i've begun to deal with my pain and hate in my own way. simply writing it down here where i don't have to listen to the pointless and useless drivvle that people tell me. they say "it'll be ok! you'll heal! I'm sorry! Is there anything I can do?" and i just want to hit them, cause they cannot understand the pain i feel nor possibly know if i'll heal or if they can do anything.
*sigH* well, i don't know what i'm gonna do now... read another pointless email, write another shitty poem, do something constructive like actually reading my textbooks for my classes? wouldn't that be interesting and a change of pace.... i wrote a new poem called "the ballad for a fallen angel", and i submitted it as a paper in my psychology class. perhaps my teach will like it, perhaps he wont. i don't give a shit.
~ aeo ~
the <fallen> angel
oh shit.... yeah, aeo gets to tell the tale one more time...
laeya broke up with me.
she didn't want to, i know that. i know she loves me, and that makes this even harder than you could possibly imagine. those of you that know laeya and i know that we've been so deliriously happy together, that we've loved each other with such utter purity and devotion.
but now that's over.
she spoke with her mother, and they decided together that a relationship between laeya and i wouldn't work. i don't know, i can't accept that. i can't believe that it could simply die like that. it hurts so fuckin much.... laeya blames herself, says that she's killed something pretty. i can't blame her, for she's so utterly innocent of so many things. no i blame the fucktards that made it so goddamned hard for us. i blame the assholes that spoke behind our backs, the reject holes that made it so fucking difficult to ever be anything more than friends. i blame god, and the shitsuck religion that people have spawned. the fucking holes that have made countless millions pay for sins they never committed.
i blame myself. i blame the darkness within me, i blame the insatiable lust that i feel for making my life a shitty mess. i have so much hopeless and helpless hate, i feel so like a goddamned hole. i lied to dru, ignored dwyn, pissed off so many people. i hate what i've become, the monster that sits there and hurts everyone around me.... i hated myself for making laeya cry, each tear ripped another deep scar in my heart, tore it to pieces with each pained word she said.
but, i can't fully blame myself for everything. no, i want you to know, those hideous fucktard people that read this. i blame YOU and your fucked-up religion and blind faith in a god that doesn't exist, and if he did, he sure as fuck doesn't give a shit about you me or anyone else on this god forsaken shitpile of a planet. we create our own joy and happiness to cover up the pain that afflicts us every goddamned day. we hope for healing in something that can never touch us, and we create our own healing because we believe so strongly.
i hate you, i hate life, i hate the delicate red suicide scars all down my fucking arms, i hate this website, i hate myself, i hate everything and everyone that i've ever dealt with. except for laeya....and §an.....
*collapses into tears*
i can't hate everyone.... i can only be so angery.... i have so much helpless rage.... aimless, no where to send it.... except on myself.
no, i'd never trade the love we had, nor those few precious moments we had together, not for anything in the world... i cherish the memory of each kiss, each word of pure and utter love.... i remember, and i hold them dear....so close to my heart. never have i loved someone like you, never will i love someone like you, and none have ever touched my heart as utterly and completely tenderly as you have. i'll never forget... never forget your love....
that's why we can't spend any more time together..... not now anyway.... the pain is so deep.... just remembering your face sends me into fits of uncontrollable weeping, i feel the touch of your hands upon my face with each breath of winds, feel your sweet lips flutter against mine with each kiss i see on television or book... i don't know... i don't know... i love you. that alone i know for sure.
oh, and jae is dead.... next person that calls me that will be roasted alive by my hate.
~ aeo ~
the <fallen> angel
i'm not hungry
i feel cold
i'm crying all the time
i want to die
i don't understand the changes that have been coming over me lately. i find them interesting and quite enjoyable, but i cannot even explain when these changes begain to happen, just that as i sat there at the bus stop, i began to think and dream. i thought of the oft-romanticized notion of marrying youn and having to work hard to take care of the family and raise the kids in a way that would be best for them. i don't know what it is, perhaps it is laeya's enfluence on me, or perhaps *gasp* i'm getting older. i look at my parents and i wish i hadn't been so nasty to them, they really aren't that bad of people, just stuck in their ways and unable to see things from any new perspectives. i think that inability to see things anywhere close to my point of view is what's killing our relationship. i wish i could still trust them, still believe in their love for me..... but that's way past now, no matter how hard i try to change it.
and they trust me even less
what i think i want now is a forever relationship, one that isn't based off of sex or betterment or anything other than pure love. i want someone i can settle down with and finish out my life with. i'd like a family, and a home and stability. i guess that is why i want this job so badle, so i can begin to prepare myself for the future, so i can learn to provide first for myself, before i can dream of providing for anyone else.
oh yeah, i'm writting this as i sit in the lobby of Royal Park Theater 16 (i wrote this entry in my notebook, and i'm transcribing it onto the 'net later) I'm waiting for my interview with a manager to perhaps get a job. i've been waiting here for over half and hour, and i'ts just after 5. *sigH* my appointment was a 4.30, and i'm really beginning to feel lost amid the paperwork. no matter, i just want to spend some time to myself and collect my thoughts. great time to sit and write in my journal though? i think i might not type this all up, but then again i think i will, because if i start censoring myself for embarrassnent's sake, then i'll trample on all the things i've worked so hard to upphold in my life. so, this entry is going up, and i wont even have to edit it for laeya's sake *smiles softly*
she talks to her mom this weekend, telling her of us. laeya tells me her mother will more than likely be opposed to any real relationship between us, but i'm not afraid anymore. she (laeya) says that the choice will ultimately fall to her, and i know that if she really loves me than the choice will be easy. however, if she doesn't, then it'd be pointless to try and continue with a relationship that would eventually fall. i'm not saying that this wouldn't hurt, far from it. if we have to 'break up' it'll be quite possibly the single most painful thing i've ever felt, but i will at least have a point of understanding from which i can begin to heal from. *sigH* doesn't make me feel the least bit better though...
forever is such a long time....
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel
so, things are very nice........... i love laeya so damn much, and i can't say i've ever been happier. §toner-§an agrees with me, and he's happy for us both. i feel weird though, still, around dwyn... i do know she loved me, and i feel kind of dirty letting her slip away. *sigHs* any suggestions out there? i'm always open to any advice... i just wish that.... well, it's pointless to wish things... for they will come as they will come. i just so love her as a dearest friend, and i want to so keep it that way.
laeya just left, and i'm writing this more on 5.10 than 5.9, but so be it. we (dwyn, laeya, and i) went to the mall today (aeo got all dressed up, makeup and all) and shopped for dwyn's summer trip to BC. *sigHs* i'm gonna so miss her... anyway, we went to the mall then came back and watched 'princess bride'. TOTALLY kickass movie, and i do so love it. so, the movie ended and i walked them to the door and we chatted for a few minutes outside. laeya is such a sweetie, and i love her soooooo much. she's good at making me feel special.... (good teacher or no!) *smiles softly and blows her a kiss* sleep well my love...
and so i must go as well, tomarrow will be a busy day, and i'm quite tired.
peace to all, cept HATE and ainvar. they can both rot in hell. oooo! together would be nice....
oh hey §toner-§an, could you change my aeo is board to 'aeo is serenely happy'? i'd greatly appriciate it... and i'm sorry this post is so short..... thank you
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel
i say things i mean, without really thinking about the things that come of it, but with something inside like love but something that is love warring with it. i cannot explain the things that i see inside my heart of hearts, the little words i see in bold the words of love and truth and purity. i love her forever without question without guile but with something so damn pure that i cannot deny it.
she gives me little kisses, kisses that i love inside deep down with those words inside my heart stamped forever like an iron collar around my neck... and i do mean the things i say when i hold them up in light of that.... i do mean the words spoken that i'll never take back. i don't want to scare you, don't want to make things awkward, only want to make things work, be worth something more than all the shitsuck things i've been in before.
i look back over my life and i see so many worthless wasted words, so many times i've felt my heart shatter only to realize that it wasn't my heart shattering, it was my goddamn pride.
and so i'm sorry, but it is something i say because i mean it. forgive me for being to damn fast, rushing things, caring only for the present and for my own wothless desires and loves and hates. but i cannot apologize for what i've said, because it's true. i know it makes you think of things said to you before, and i'm sorry... if there was any way else to go about it, believe me my most dearest love, i would so take it.... i wish i could wipe your mind clean of those things HE said to you, cleanse your heart from the pain that i see so clearly there.... but i can't, i can only hope to help you to feel better...
never forget i love you, utterly and purely.
a tear-streaked face, a sorrowfull soul, and a love-drenched heart...
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel
aeo made a mistake. the story 'canal street' is really close to the opening proloug in Lost Souls by poppy z brite. i did take my reference from that book, but i was completely unaware that it was so very close. i have been accused of plagarism, and i never thought about that. so, i say so here and now that it is NOT completely my story, that i cannot take full credit for it, and i apologize if i've upset anyone. *sigH* such annoying little things. and no, i never steal poems, they're all my own. if anyone says that i took their idea, then they're wrong and they're lying. if any of my poems are like any else, it's pure coincedence.
now that that's done....
only two more days till she comes home. but that reminds me. this is for all of those that read this and are being concerned over laeya's connections with me. as it stands, we are merely close friends. i admit that i have some close feelings towards her, but that is something we've discussed and put aside. if i am corrupting her in any way, it isn't towards a darker end, but i'd like to believe i am helping her be more artistic and more open about who she is inside. i know many people will jump to all sorts of conclusions, but just stick it in your hat, ok? talk to one of us before you go about spreading rumors and dragging both of our names through the mud. i have heard that a few people that have read my site are raising questions about laeya because of me. i say that laeya is as pure and innocent as she was when we first began to hang out, and her association with me has not caused her to waver in any of her views or standards. in fact, being around her has forced me to raise mine, become a better person inside. i can never really be a true christian because i cannot believe, but that doesn't mean that i am overtly being anti-christ or hating all things christian. no, i merely cannot be one myself, and thus i am no longer calling myself one.
but, laeya is still christian, never once has wavered in that belief, and still strives to teach me the 'error of my ways'. anyone that says otherwise is either ignorant or downright lying. so there.
that being said, i have one final tomarrow, my astronomy final. going to be *really* easy. i've been studying for it (imagine that) and i hope to make an A in the class. yipppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
and on that note, i leave.
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel
*sigH* only until friday.... i'm in a state of nothingness for my finals, and it's not really a good thing. i try not to let it bother me, but i'm really missing laeya a lot more than i thought i would. i guess it's a good thing, and i'll totally be happy when she comes back, but i really feel like shit. *sigH* avelon tried to cheer me up a little, but it didn't help very much. §toner-§an says i should just get over it, but it's not easy....
anyway, aeo wrote a kool story. i decided to call it canal street. *smiles softly. don't ask me where i've come up with that name, i honestly can't tell you. (well, i could, but that'd be unneeded work on my part. *grin*)
anyway, here it is....
he walked down the shadowed street, cold river-mist floating in from the east, the air laden with the smell of old whiskey, spent fireworks, and old old cemeteries. he walked with his hands in his pockets, head down, feet shuffling silently along in the dim light cast from the only remaining street lamp a few blocks back. He rolls his eyes as the faint sounds of mardi gras whisper faintly from bourbon street, and he kicks at an old beer can, startling a stray cat who screeches and scuttles off into the darkness.
the vampires would be out now, eternal hunters, enjoying the warm blood of the revelers, getting drunk on the glowgreen chartreuse that runs thick tonight. The man takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky, lit with the burning fires of a million candles and a million lights burning all throughout the city. his dark eyes try to pierce the heavy fog and smoke stirred up by the last few Mardi Gras rockets and bonfires, and he fancies he can see the stars, little pinpricks of clear light glittering in silence above this fetid city.
He looks down, and his eyes fall upon the closed doors of another nondescript bar. The wooden plaque above the dusty stained glass reads "Christian's", but he doesn't care, he just wants a place where he can drown his fears and hate in a bottle of some powerful liqueur. He pushes on the wooden slatted door, opening it slowly on rusted hinges, the slow creak echoing in the still silence of the near-empty bar. The long low bar stands at the back of the bar, and a tall man, immaculate in his long black coat and long dark hair glistening on his broad shoulders. a haze seems to fill the place, smelling of primroses and incense, a few soft notes begin to play from a beat-up old jukebox sitting in the far corner. a tiny fair stands there, her thing frame swathed in spidersilk and fishnets. her thin face shines pale with dark splotches of makeup like bruises underneath her large black eyes.
The tall bartender shifts his attention from the girl to the newcomer, a tiny flicker of protective love shining briefly in his bottomless black eyes. He seems to regard him for a moment, then dismisses him as any kind of threat, passing him off to make a few more swipes with his cloth over the already-clean bartop. The man shrugs and glides effortlessly to the bar and sits atop one of the tall stools, perching like a crow on its hard edge. His eyes scan the racks of old bottles hanging on the wall behind the alabaster visage of the beautiful bartender. The little girl, she can't be much older than 16, moves cautiously up to the bar and climbs onto the barstool next to him and he starts as she whispers 'christian, may i have another screwdriver?' her soft voice breaking the heavy silence of the bar. The tall bartender, Christian, complies, mixing the drink weak and dripping two cherries into it. she fishes them out with her fingers and eats them, sucking them like little candies before slowly beginning to sip at her drink.
The man sighs and orders a bottle of chartreuse and pours it into the empty glass handed to him by Christian. they say that chartreuse glows in the dark, and if you drink enough of it, your eyes will glow green for hours....
good/bad? *shrug* i like it.
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel
*sigH* laeya left for the beach today, and i miss her loads. she sent me a very nice email, made me feel all warm inside. dear god....i swear she'll be the death of my oh-so-gothic image. *griN* know how much i care? but, i will miss her a lot as she is gone, and i can only wait for her to return. *smile* soon, as in friday.
hey, lookie me. i've been doin better on my journal entries, soon i'll just be able to write little snippits every day instead of the massively long entries i've been putting in lately. but, i think it's a good thing that i'm adding journal entries, makes me feel better about myself when i have my problems written down. allows me to be more introspective and i can learn a little more about the inmost workings of my mind.
nothing really bad with my parents, we're on standby. no fighting at least. *takes a deep breath*
i love §toner-§an... he's such a sweetie. always helping me with things that i cannot do alone. so kind and so very understanding about a lot of things. he's so very hard-headed and emotionless to everyone else, but i can see the real person inside now. *smile* i know you'll read this, brother.... just want to thank you for everything you've done for me over the past few days, helping me get through a lot of the shit i've had to deal with. you're a real friend and i'll never forget it. *huG*
i took a personality test. *smile* INTJ is what i am. imagine that. says i'm a rational mastermind. in the top 1percent of the population of the world. calm, collected, very very very intelligent. *shrug* ok, now aeo's head is gonna get real big, so i'll stop.
and, that's about it. oh yeah, ß-ß, could you put up on my 'aeo is' board 'aeo is silent. misses laeya'? i'd be most appriciative. *smiles nostalgically* (don't worry if you don't understand what my aeo is board is. if you wanna know, just ask me)
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel
aeo is very happy. jaeson too if you wanna look at it as me being two people trapped inside. i cannot share why i'm happy, but suffice it to say that it has everything to do with my relationship with the beautiful laeya. it's kinda kool, in a way, me being happy and gleeful all of a sudden. kinda takes the *dark* outta my whole 'gothic' attitude. *smiles softly* i told laeya that she was ruining my whole image. she just laughed and i was totally like 'to hell with it'.
she's so beautiful, every time i remember time we spend together, my legs get all tingly like. it's weird.... i can't explain it, nor do i desire to explain it. it's something prettyflightything inside pulling me towards forever.... *smiles softly* it's a good thing me things, it's a something, a beautiful loving tender kiss touching my heart. *grins softly* laeya, you remember..... you make me happy.
for the first time in years, i can say that i'm truly happy. very happy inside like neverbefore happiness, shining deep inside. no, there was another time before i was happy. when i was with twylo that last day we spent together, and then again that night we scared all the little people at that church. that was fun, and i was happy then yes i was, very happi inside like something pretty was flowering inside. but, this happiness is different, i can't explain, don't want to like i said before. i don't know how to say how it's different, it just is, makes me feel complete inside like that part that's forevermissing is full. some people say that each person has a god-shaped hole in their soul. i agree with that, that each person as a desire to know daeity. however, there are two holes in the soul, one for the Divine, and the other for a soulmate....
well, i'm not a high school student anymore. *smiles softly* very weird feeling, but i like it. almost finished with my college classes, i'll graduate with my AA in the fall. scary no? yeah, i've decided that instead of going to fsu or uf or some such, i'll stay at sfcc and get my a.s. in multimedia design tech and such. it'll be good for me i think.
fought with my parents again..... imagine that. it's a race now methinks. race to either i get fed up and leave, or they get pissed enough to throw off their fucked-up conception of themselves and kick me out. i actually want to see that happen rather than me just up and leaving. i dunno, seems more fitting i guess. i'd see her kicking me out and me laughing the whole goddamned time.
we're goin to cornerstone this year, laeya, ßtoner-ßan, dwyn, and avelon. we're all packing up and traveling all the way up to illenois. *smiles softly* that's gonna kick so many levels of ass... pretty fuckin cool i say. can't wait to go, never been always heard that it just roxxx. we'll see right?
oh yeah, tripod suxxx major ass. deleted my 4.20.00 entry (don't know where it went) and my 4.21.00 entry. *sigH* so, i decided to have two pages. the rest of my journal can be found here.... i'm looking to get hosted, we'll see how it goes, right?
so, aeo's gotta go now.
~ jae ~
the <fallen> angel