journal . . . . twisted dreams. . . .

the painful memoirs of a <fallen> angel

page1 + page2

date: 4.19.00

i really should start writing more, but i never seem to think of it anymore.... *sigh* well, i lie, i think about it all the time, just never really act upon it.

so now, here goes, a letter to goldmoon, but not for her.

dear goldmoon,

don't ask me why i must write this, or why even i write this. it just seems that it is easier to reveal a little more of myself not only to you, but to the rest of the world. fuck, i don't know if anyone besides you and travis ever really reads all the shit i write in here, but what the hell ya know? anyway, here goes.

i told you about the story of the soul, and how it splits, right? well, it's a pretty story and mr. aeo really loves it, however, i believe that there is more truth in that that many people think. i hate to use the term soulmate, because i think that one can have many soulmates, not just one that you'll be with forever. i believe that you can have friends that are so close that they know every little part about you, and thus seem to share even the same soul. but. something i do think about the Soul, the one that was split and eventually will come back together. both of them are willing to sacrifice for the other.

i know i can never truly be a christian, it's impossible for that. i know too much, seen too much, done too much to ever be able to accept the stuff that Christians hold at the very centre of their being. However, i do believe that there are things that can change, and promiscuity and pleasures extra are among them.

for a long time i've desired to change, become someone better, just never had a reason to, never had someone or something that i could set as a goal for myself to shoot for. It just never really came to that, and i know not why. however, now i think i do, and i want you to know that. *smiles softly* i guess that you're rubbing off on scary 'lil 'ole me or something like that. *grin* cool, right?

but, in any event, i just wanted you to know that i do love you, and there's very little i can do about it now. i don't care why really, but it's there, and i'm willing to do whatever i can to let you understand that i'm not just fucking around anymore. there's more to life than drugs, sex, parties. all of that. there are things vastly more important, and things that will only increase in value as time goes on. these are the things i'm interested in now.... i guess all the partying really blew me out for that.... it's weird now, i care very little about any of it any more.

i feel safe in telling you those things i promised i'd never say. i don't need to keep the promise, because i know that it's no longer an issue. i don't feel like saying it over the net, but do ask me sometime. i'm too young.... i know already what it is you'll say.... but. i don't really know, because i'm not you.

namaste, mi amoré


~ jaeson ~

the <fallen> angel


date: 4.3.00

i wear a black-enamaled collar now. it's made of black-coloured chain hooked together with an old padlock that i wore with my old collar. but that's nothing new, nothing symbolic about that. no, it's what hangs in the place of a nameplate that's symbolic. a small cross made of steel and onyx hangs from the chain about my throat, symbolizing the chains that spring up around me at each step. it's a symbol of the opression i recieve at the hands of those around me, even those that i know love me.

my parents hate everything that i am, and that's my fault... i threw who i was in their oh-so-fucking-righteous faces. but, i simply could no longer exist in the world that i had made to live out my lie. i could no longer lie to myself, and i had to get out. i never meant for them to find out about me, i would have rather left them in the dark and saved myself a lot of the pain that i've felt since. however, that was not to be because my parents are so fucking paranoid and controlistic. ~* sigh *~ but there is nothing i can do about it now.

but, tonight i just hurt the person i love most in this whole world. i told her what i really thought, told her about the hatred that boils inside, made her cry and made the frozen ducts in my own eyes to loosen. i told her of all the hate, all the lies, everything that i had recieved from that wretched leach that christianity has become. i told without words of all the times my hopes and dreams has been crushed by a machine built of half-truths and misinterpreted words.

i think.... no..... i know i hurt her....

it doesn't really matter though, but then it does, because even this love is blocked by that same machine, another wall of stone built up because i am not cannot and willnot ever be a christian. she says if things were different things would be different.... but they're not, and so they might never be different. it makes me feel empty inside, but i guess i can understand her convictions. at least she has some, unlike most of the spineless motherfuckers that claim christianity as their own goddamned truth.

~* sighs softly *~ but, it's not that those convictions are annoying, or that i totally disagree... it's just that it seems that it's just yet another damned block put up, another chain on my soul restricting me further... another brick placed on this four-walled cell i now call my life.

i just don't know what to do anymore... i hurt those that love me, and i push them away because i enjoy wallowing in the fetid pools of my own emotional exrement...

well, life's just gotten a little bit darker....

~ jaeson ~

the <fallen> angel


date: 3-20-00

too much work on the reconstruction to really put much into words here, but i do say that i am hopelessly entangled, and i don't know what to do. should i love this one and risk hurting another? should i stay with friendship that lasts forever? what do i fucking do???? i seem to seek love in all the wrong places.

and above all that, there is drusi, sweet loving drusi...


the <fallen> angel

date: 2-22-00

in breathing silent dreams of intence hatred and pain, losing myself to the lightness of the intence pleasure that comes in defying those things that have kept me bound for so damn long... ahhh. feels good once more to touch upon that infinite beauty that i know as poetic phrasing.

the faire was beautiful. i saw one there that i love greatly. should never have kissed her though, for it made old feelings rise and opened old wounds that i wanted to remain closed. but, it was great to look once more upon her face and to smile softly at her small laughters. but, i once more had to let her go, and it was so very painful... the fair though wasn't a complete loss. i enjoyed myself completely, for i went as a jester. *smiles softly* folly the jester.... but, goldmoon and dwyn went with and life was beautiful. i also hung out with bastet for a little, but she had to go sooner than either of us liked.

goldmoon, dwyn and i are all becoming really close. over this weekend we went to the olustee battle re'inactment, and that was sooooo fun. their cousin holly went and so did my friend azirathoth. i enjoyed it, and so did everyone else. i soooo love hanging out with dwyn, and azi and goldie are added pluses. i think though that we will only be friends, as goldie and i are and will be. though, dwyn will ever be closer to my heart than either azirat or goldie.

life is precious, enjoy it while you can i say. love is beauty born f ashes and pain, loving tender caresses blossoming forth like raindrops from on high...

parents are giving me shit because they know all of me. they are constantly attacking my faith and my lifestyle. i wish they would just leave it alone, i'm not bothering them with my religion...

the <fallen> angel,



date: 2-8-00

*sigh* life is a crazy motherfucker, you know? every time i find someone i can love, reality sets in and i'm screwed once more. my friend jakkan says he's cursed because he repells women... that sucks and all, but at least he doesn't fall in love with them and feel that love returned, only to have it ripped from your bosome just when it's turning out to be a good thing.... it seems that i'm the cursed one, cursed to ever feel the sting of reality. people i love dying, lying, cheating.... reality bites.

as i write this, i'm having an arguement with jakkan over reality and my love for Bastet.... i wish that it could work out, but her parents and my parents don't think it's wise, and jakkan's agreeng because he's like that. jeez... don't know how many wishes i'd spend so i could be with Bastet. i do love her much, but there's not a damn thing i can do about it. he tells me to ignore her, not to contact her in any way.

sound familiar?

*closes his eyes, tears forming underneath his eyelids* i thought i'd never love after twylo... but i did, Bastet helped me. now even that's being torn away. *tries to make a funny face* i guess it's the whole gothic depression thing. even when i'm happy, something HAS to happen to ruin it and pull me back down into my dark misery. why must life be such a bitch? reality bites, and i wish that there was a way to change it...

this whole thing would be much easier if i could talk with kat, but she's gone. i've not seen her for a good week now, and i'm very worried about her. in our last conversation we talked about her husband, and how he's such a weirdo. apparently he doesn't care for her anymore, and she's got nowhere to go... as soon as i move out, i'm offering sanctuary at my place... she told me he's abusive sometimes, and that he's a real ass. i hope he didn't beat her, i couldn't stand that. losing her would seriously ruin everything else i've got left. well, almost.

goldmoon and dwyn... two more females. (this is getting almost laughable. almost.) both of them i trust more than life itself. goldmoon's so sweet and understanding. such a true friend, and one i could never replace. and dwyn.... lovely dwyn.... i feel so bad, because i know she loves me, and i want to love her. but i'm so damn cursed that i know that if i allow myself to love her more than a close friend, i'll end up losing her. that would be so very bad, since we've been friends since the beginning of time it seems...

friday we're gonna have a movie party at goldmoon's house. that will be fun because we're gonna see 'event horizon' and that's a damn fine movie. seen better, but it's still a classic that i'll never stop loving. the crow is better, but that's another story.

wow.... i went back and read some of the entries into my journal.... it's scary to see the change in me... i have seen some highs and some horrid lows... i see a stage in pain and love... poetry... now i don't write like that. am i tired? i guess it's because i'm in pain... not in love. poetry rises from love and pain. good poetry anyway. i've been writing, but it's weird. screams. like hell i think. a place without love or any emotion. a place where there is only pain and loss.

my parents found out i'm no longer christian, and that i'm bisexual, that i do drugs, and that i'm sexually active. it doesn't really come as a surprise to me, i knew that they would find out eventually. the only thing that does surprise me is that they took so long to find out. i've been active so long now... it's like all this stuff is coming to a head right around the same time. i renounce my christianity, find a girlfriend, find a slavegirl, loose my girlfriend, can't find my slavegirl, fight with my best friend..... jeez. life sucks.

the <fallen> angel,


date: 1-31-00

oh gods.... things sure have changed since that letter... nothing good for months, but then.... i met Bastet....geez, i realize i must sound like a real player moron type...becoming really close to one person, getting lost with her/him....grouping with another. i think it's just because there is so much time between each entry that it must look like this.

i lost twylo... a break that ruined my heart. i felt like i would just die. if it was just the loss of a girlfriend or lover, i could get over it, but twy was one of my closest friends and dearest confidants. i'm going to miss her so fucking much... no, it wasn't my fault, it was a difference of opinions and the terrible hate of a jealous and fucked-up ass hole shitlicker. yeah, ainvar, i mean you.

but.... also. i retook my rites of initiation again... explain in more detail when i move the website. yeah, gonna move it. changing stuff all around again. start over. let's just say i found my faith and heart again. it was good. feels.....right. many people are gonna hate me for it, but lots of people already hate me, so what the hell?

i've started roleplaying again. feels right too. i just like the way the words roll out of me, makes me feel good. i guess it's the whole artist thing. not taking pictures really starves the mind. roleplay and poetry really let it flow forth again. it's kind of funny, cause i'm really good at roleplaying now... many years expirience.

i met Bastet, and kat. two people that have really changed my outlook on life. kat can make me smile and laugh.... Bastet can make me love.... i dunno, it's like at the same time, i get two beautiful women into my life, two people that have helped me, even without realizing it, to become a better man. rise above the hate and pain...fyre rose too, now that i think about it. she's helped me get through a lot of the psychological turmoil, the lostness. they're all so very good to me.

i want you to know.... I wouldn't be here without you guys.... thank you very much....


date: 10-11-99

dearest twylo,

many things were spoken recently. . . . things I know not how to speak of. . . . paul and i are friends, at least. . . . we've made up our differences in a way. . . . he says you are mine now. *lowers his eyes* you are no one's you are your own person, and that is why i love you. . . .

but, i cannot expect you to believe me when i say that every time i talked to you both and was so soft and meek, inside i burned with a torment none should have to bear. however, i know how it is within paul. . . . i understand his own hell, for i have been there too. there is much of my life you know, but more still you do not. if you wish. . . . all about me i would have you know.

descent into torment, screaming most vile, hurting those you love most dear, by only wishing to be happy....pain caused by careless words, without thought or care words spoken without meaning. it hurts so bad to see you cry, to hear your tears fall upon the empty chasms of your heart. . . .cry not for me, for i can heal, but i wish to touch your soul, make you feel better. . . . but i don't know if that i can do, that which i want more than anything else. . . . can i touch you? can i keep you? i want you, but i don't know if i can ever have you . . . . but of course, i cannot, for you are your own person, believing, loving, caring, touching my soul with every breath. all i can hope for is that you allow me to be yours. . . .

lament, singing sinister words of tearful pain into the shadows of hatred and dispair, what is it that i want? love, hate, pain, comfort . . . all are same, or is all different? how could i possibly know, for all i have known has been torment of that most vile, that which stings beyond that which can be measured.

even now, these words i speak, flowing forth from a tortured artist's soul, pain unknown and unforglieve that they can, for within each can be felt a pinprick of devine touching. . . . but is that devine love enough to fulfill the calling within each mortal being? of course, but who has the faith anymore to believe that this can be so? i don't know anymore. . . . things i thought were true now are not, things i thought were false i know are true now. but are they? if things cahnge so very rapidly, then why must now be forever?

all i can be sure of now is that my love for jen was there because i wanted something to cover up, take away, cleanse my mind from my love for you. . . . can this be so? i think it can, but allow not my desire hurt you. . . . only believe that which you want, believe in yourself, know you are god's chylde, unique and very very beautiful. each time i take your photo, i want to capture that beauty which you have, and the love which i hold. . . . and every picture fails to even touch either realm. of course, each shot is beautiful in its own way, but i want it beautiful in your way.

i make a fool of myself, i know. . . . 'cause either you share my sentiments, or you do not. . . . but i will no longer continue to lie to myself and to you. . . . . ainvar knows the truth, i told him so. . . . no, he guessed. i never had to tell him anything because he knows already. he reads my mind, it scares me, frightens me, for none can do so, not even myself. insanity? perhaps. . . . but i know i am calm within, a pool of vast longing and desire, a pool that is calm, no matter how stormy on the outside i get.

hot now. i sweat. perspiration sliding down my back making me uncomfortable. but my desire for you keeps me writing, but i must take off my shirt. ahhh. . . . little better, but now. . . . . .but now. . . . .

i don't know what words i can say, perhaps none, but who knows? i cannot express anymore of what i feel, for that is impossible. now you know all, more of me than anyone else. forgive me. . . . i don't mean to scare you. . . .

-fallen.from.grace\\tortured existance-


date: 09-07-99

BUT, first and foremost, I want to note that I have a very new love intrest. ~* smiles softly *~ My page, I've dedicated to her, and you've seen her beautiful face upon the front of my site. Her name I'll keep anonymous simply because she wanted it that way, but her Alias is Fyre Rose We've spent a lot of time on the phone talking about past lives together, and researching a bunch of stuff we've done. It's really cool, and I've enjoyed astralling with her. She's a very talented Astral Projector, and she's taught me a lot about it. Through her I've made contact with Someone I've been "working" for for mellenia. His Name I will not speak here because I lack the ability to write it in Runes, but it has been an interesting time talking to Him.
Anyway, back to my seems that we've been together for hundreds maybe thousands of lives. Our souls are both really ancient, and I wouldn't be surprised if our First Lives were spent together... Interesting concept to think about anyway.
Well, she's coming to visit me soon, and I CANNOT WAIT! ~* giggles like a child *~ I hope to have a great time with her. She's going to allow me to take photographs of her, and if she lets me, I'll put them on my website...~* grins darkly *~ I might have to put a parental warning thingy on my site then... ~* grins *~
That is, if I spend more time on here fixing this place... I wish that I could keep this place more up-to-date, but I'm always at PlanetK
Speaking of PK...I've been playing there a lot, and I've developed quite a good friendship with most of the regulars. One of them, Panther Mistress, I've had an extensive storyline going with for quite a while, and recently it has taken a new twist. I've been playing her "slave" for quite a while, but recently I've become the Master... ~* smiles *~ It's rather fun, but it's interesting. I'm used to being the submissive one... I really want Fyre to come and play with us in PK, but I'm not sure if she will. ~* gigglegrins *~ I think we scared her when she came in last...

date: 08-09-99

This day is weird... that thing that paul wrote within my book really really hurt... I'm still sore about that, and I'm very fucking pissed at him for it... ~sigh~

I sent 'Manda an email I wish I hadn't...there were some things I said to her that I really didn't mean to say...I was just so pissed and hurt by what her immature little boi had said to me. He had NO FUCKING RIGHT to get into my business and say something like that.

Yeah, I've got a lot of 'Manda's pix on my site, but that's because I've taken more of her! She's a great model, and I love taking pix of her. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that I want to steal her from anyone! Even if that someone was a fucking moron with serious self-image problems...

~sigh~ damnit....I wished that my life didn't keep fucking up everyone else's... I really value 'Manda's friendship, and I wouldn't do ANYTHING to harm her or those she loves. I want only the the best for them both. If he truly loves her, then he can get over my friendship with her, and FUCKING TRUST HER.

I don't give a RAT'S ass anymore if he doesn't trust me, that's his fucking problem. He's just a shit-sucking moron, totally immature and insecure. Damn, it fucking hurt like a badass to get dumped by Cara, and everyone knows it. But I fucking got over it. Amanda hasn't even thought about ditching his sorry ass, and he gets all freaky on us...

Sorry about not updating the journal more often, just that school is really sapping all my time....I've got so little energy these days that I just don't want to fuss with my site even when I get online with some free time. I'll try and be better about it in then future... it's getting to the point where I need to let it all out, and this is definitely the best way to do it...very unviolent...


Ok, life's been throwing me some interesting curves lately...
I did end up traveling down to Tampa to stay with Cara. Awesome time. I love her so much, even more than I did before I went down there. She has been the one to help me over Joie, even though I wish Joie to be my friend forever...

-=sighs=- My mom read my journal today, and got kinda pissed. I don't want to be kicked out of the house again, so I'm hiding these writings. My parents are such horrible fucks. I only wish I had the money to leave, and stay the fuck away from them...

Here's a little something I wrote today...

A Thirst for Vitae

By Aeolis Kaenei

A new day is born. Or should I call it night? It really matters little, for the night is the only day that a vampire ever really knows. But, whatever one might call it, a new one is beginning, and I must travel forth from my haven to Hunt. The Beast embedded deep within my soul, prompts me to release him, ever striving to break free and devour those around me. I cannot let this happen, and thus I feed. Not only to nourish myself, but to keep this vile Thing inside me at bay.

How does one describe the Hunger? Certainty not in Mortal terms! The strongest human craving is as nothing compared to the absolutely mind-entrapping Lust for Vitae, that is, the Blood of Life.

I guess I could try and describe it as all the desires, longings and addictions condensed into one giant all-consuming Lust, but then I wouldn't properly reveal how it truly feels. However, as I sit and think on it, these "ideas" all compressed really do reveal the true beauty/horror of the Lust. The Hunger surpasses all of these obsessions, for sure, but it replaces them with an Addiction that is far beyond a mere mortal's conception.

And thus, every night that I awaken, I am forced into the night to hunt for another's blood. Among these mortals that walk around me, who will be next? Who will be the first this night who will suffer the ecstatic throes of the Taking? Perhaps that young boy who stands there crying for his mother, a mother who will never come... Perhaps it could be any number of people that I, the Killer that stalks by Night, should happen upon. that lighted room. My vampirically heightened senses reveal to me that which I seek, the blood of a virgin female... Silently, I curse that clan weakness that forces me to prey upon those most tender, most innocent. Using my powers of Celerity, I move instantly through the shadows, coming to a halt underneath the window. There, I crouch and wait for the lights above me to fade out, and the inhabitants of the room fall asleep.

I don't have long to wait, but as I sit there, the Beast that calls my soul home broils forth in a rage I haven't felt since my Becoming. I almost cry out as the absolute terror that is the Beast attempts to overwhelm my senses and send me into a Frenzy of death and destruction.

Somehow, I am able to control Him, and I wrest the control of my body from Him....ahhh, now the lights are out, time for me to move in. Using a softly whispered word, I activate the skill of Thaumaturgy, and I float off the ground. Slipping silently and unseen through the shadows is not that difficult for one who was Born to live in the night. Within a few seconds I am floating just outside her window, and I peer into the room.

Nothing really catches my attention, the room is a "normal" one. With another simple spell, I am able to concentrate on up to seven at one time, I cause the latch on the window to release itself, and I slip into the room, no more than a breeze through the curtains.

Since I don't breathe, I do not have to calm my heart with slow even breaths, and thus taking the chance of awakening the sleeping victim. I creep silently to her bed, stepping over numerous dolls and toys drooped errantly all over the place. As I slowly pull back the covers, I was startled momentarily by not finding that which I expected. I was thinking that I was about to devour a simple child, no more than seven or nine. What lay in that bed was no child, but a beautiful angel of a girl. Instantly the guess of 16 or 17 years pops into my mind, and I am astonished that one so old is still a virgin, especially in these times.

With a shrug, I gently place my hands on her stomach, preparing to cast another spell, this one to magically transfer her blood from her veins into mine. As my cold hands brush against her naked skin, she stirs and awakens. Instantly, I am on my feet, and before she can cry out, I am at her throat, my long fangs sliding easily into her neck.

The warm blood spills into my mouth, and I earnestly suck the life-giving potion from her veins. But, I am careful, and I drink only enough to help me, but not to kill her. I whisper a word, and she is instantly Dominated. Softly, I implant the suggestions that will make her apart of my Herd, my cows (you might say). With an entranced nod, she agrees to my suggestions, then slips silently back into a deep sleep.

I lean forward now, arranging her hair about her, then pulling the covers up over her naked body, once again hiding her now-violated body from view. As I step to the window, I pause, what am I forgetting? Ahh...that's it. Taking a few quick steps to the bedside, I lean in and delicately lick the twin holes of my Insertion. Swiftly, they heal, and no scar is to remain. I smile at my handiwork, and slip silently out through the window. Her parents might wonder why her window is open on so cold a night, but they wont be as curious as the girl will be, when she finds my face forever implanted in her thoughts....

date: 07-29-99

Hmmm... What to say about today... I've messed around with some stuff on my site, made it pretty cool... I wish that Twilight Garden would accept me! Grrrrrr.... that really pisses me off that she wont send out a neg response. Pisses me off big-time. Oh well...

I finally got over Cara/Kim\Nicole... It's still a dull ache in the back of my heart, but I think that I can deal with it now. She and I started RPing again the other day on PK, and it was kind of fun.

My PK character, ~aeolis~, is a submissive slave. He was owned by Panther Mistress, but she decided that she didn't want him anymore. Crushed him, and left me kind of clueless. I really hope it's not my RPing, because I pride myself in excelling in it.

*sigh* There is so much work now in school... I've been forced to collapse my personal time to the bare minimum. It sucks really bad, but I am enjoying myself...sort of. I am meeting a lot of really cool people, and they are all really smart and very interesting.

I pray that God will help me through these trying times...

date: 07-16-99's been a while since I last wrote, so I'll say what's been up as of late...
I did end up going to Cara's place, and it didn't turn into a fuckfest. ~* smiles *~ We had fun though....we talked and I got to know her a little... (I wrote about this a LITTLE on the tenth) However, I felt really bad about not telling her my true age. She was thinking that I'm 19, and I'm only 16.
I guess she was feeling kinda guilty too, because she told me her mysterious "third job". I promised I wouldn't tell, and I'm gonna keep that promise, even if I really don't have to anymore...
Anyway, I was a little floored by her job, and it realy made me think. However, I still trusted her, and still loved her enough to feel completely comfortable around her. I reached out and gave her a hug and she was like "You still want to touch me after I told you that?"
Of course I did, I love her completely, and I trust her like I trust no other. Now I know that trust was misplaced.
Anyway, after I got home I went and got online and found out that my "dear" Cara had been saying some really uncool stuff 'bout me. I heard that she was only tagging me because she could, and that she really didn't love me, just playing around.
It was also told to me that she was TOTALLY unimpressed with me, and that she was annoyed that I was so "controlling". ~* almost laughs *~ Imagine me, a SUB, being controling... I dunno, something about that doesn't seem right.
So, I checked it out with her, and she acted all coy like, saying that it wasn't true and shit. I, being a dumbass, believed her, and screamed at those that told me these "lies" about her. Now I wish I hadn't.
Anyway, we were all cool until I got on one of the chat rooms we both hang out in. No one on there knew that Cara and I were together. We both had seperate "online" relationships that we wanted to keep intact, and thus we kept our "realworld" shit under the towel. So, I hear one of Cara's friends talking to another one of his friends about Cara. I was about to say something, then I caught "In fact, she's playing someone right now!"
That completely caught me off guard, and I decided to listen in on what they were saying. Turns out, Cara HAD been playing with me, making me a fool. I was sooooo hurt by what they said, and my heart was torn to shreds.
I decided then that I would tell her the truth, come completely clean with her, hoping against hope that my showing her that I loved her enough to tell her the whole truth would be enough to have her come back to me.

I was wrong.

She flipped on me so fast, tore into me so hard and fast I had no chance to defend myself. She totally killed me far more than the fucked up words of strangers. I was hurt and bleeding, and I tried to ask forgiveness for lying and all that nasty shit.
She completely pissed on me, saying I was not worth the shit I leave in the bowl. I was hurt and torn to pieces. I had no clue what to do, and I didn't want to get even, because I loved her so much.
We broke contact for about a week, we didn't even see each other online. Then I ran into her on Darkchat. She is so fucking cruel. She started screaming about how if I didn't leave DC she would humiliate me before all my DC friends, and do shit that would make me hated in DC. She "allowed" me to hang out in PlanetK, but no where else.
Now that hurt even worse, because I make it a point not to let my boi/grrl relationships come between friendships of any kind. ON my side or hers. I was lost, and I had no where to turn.
Then Hallie, dearest Hallie, reminded me that she would never let whatever Cara said to me affect her love for me. I was soooo convicted of all my hate and pain. I immediately called out to God, asking for forgiveness from Him for not instantly turning to Him for aid.
I felt great peace, and it made me feel all good inside.
I was doing great for a while, then She came back into PlanetK. (BTW, I never left DC, but I started hanging out in PK as well.)
She acted as if I didn't evene exist. She is SUCH a whore. She saw the way I was acting, and she basically laughed in my face. I had to do everything I could to keep Hallie from tearing into her, but it hurt so bad...
I had to ask her why she hated so much. How someone as beautiful as she could hate like she does. She told my quite frankly that she "doesn't hate, she just loves the fact that she can make me cry."

What a whore....but I love her still..............

date: 06-04-99

Today is gonna be pretty fun. Tonight there's planned a huge Game at my place, and I'm totally jived 'bout that. It's gonna be a real trip to host this.
Cara invited me down to her place this weekend. I'm not sure if I can go or not... I really WANT to, but I don't know if I'll be back in time for it to be god for me.
Also, I'm wondering if it'll turn into a huge fuckfest or something. I DON'T really want that to happen (not that I'd mind it if it did...), but I really would rather spend my time with her talking and getting to know her better, than screwing her raw...